When kindness kills progress: The problem with conflict avoidance

Even with aching muscles and stiff joints, many of us would rather hide behind a clipboard than have a disagreement with a colleague.Particularly in aged care settings, where staff are stretched and emotions run high, it can feel easier to keep the peace than to raise a concern.

But what if avoiding disagreement is holding back better ideas, healthier teams, and ultimately, better care?Experts agree: learning to disagree well is a skill worth building. And in aged care, where trust, teamwork, and communication are everything, it’s essential.

Real-world conflict: how disagreement plays out

In a typical aged care home, consider this scenario: a care worker flags that a resident is being woken at 5am for a shower, a routine set by the night shift. The morning team insists it’s always been that way to ensure everyone is ready before breakfast. The care worker believes it’s disrespectful to the resident’s sleep and dignity. Rather than addressing the issue directly, the staff member may stew in silence or complain to peers, creating division. But a structured, respectful disagreement could raise the resident’s preferences, refer to their care plan, and spark a service improvement.

Start by normalising disagreement

Business strategist and debate champion Julia Dhar advocates for embracing conflict, not avoiding it. She encourages leaders to promote “productive disagreement” where people feel safe to raise concerns and challenge ideas. In healthcare and aged care, that might mean addressing a communication breakdown between clinical and lifestyle teams or questioning outdated routines that no longer serve residents. Avoiding tough conversations doesn’t make issues disappear; it often makes them worse.

Separate people from ideas

One of the most common traps in workplace disagreement is taking things personally. When feedback is viewed as an attack, or differing views are dismissed, teams retreat into silos. Dhar reminds us: “Attack the idea, not the person.” That’s especially true in aged care, where tight-knit teams work under pressure and identities are closely tied to their roles.

Try reframing the conversation:
instead of “You don’t care about residents’ routines,” say, “I’m wondering if we’ve checked the care plan lately to see if this wake-up time is still appropriate?”

Find common ground early

Psychologist Dr Mark Leary from Duke University speaks about intellectual humility, being open to the idea that you might be wrong. In practice, that looks like:

• Starting with shared goals: “We both care about what’s best for the resident.”
• Listening for understanding, not rebuttal.
• Avoiding language that puts others on the defensive.

• In an aged care setting, you might say: “I know our shift patterns are hectic, but can we find a way to better balance resident preferences with morning routines?
  
  Face-to-face conversations are best
  
  While handovers, notes, and incident reports are important, real resolution usually happens in person. UCLA’s Dr Juliana Schroeder has shown that hearing someone’s voice, especially face-to-face, boosts empathy and helps people connect, even during conflict.
  
  Team huddles, supervision sessions, or even quiet chats in the staff room can be opportunities to air issues and align.use curiosity to cool tensionIf a conversation starts to get stuck, Dhar recommends leaning into curiosity.
  
  Instead of reacting immediately, ask: “Can you help me understand how you see it?” or “What do you think we’re both missing here?” This approach is useful in care team disputes, like when a nurse and lifestyle coordinator disagree on a resident’s ability to join an outing.
  
  Asking questions can diffuse tension and invite a more collaborative solution.
  
  Avoid misunderstandings with clear questions
  
  Sometimes workplace disagreements in aged care aren’t about values, but simple misunderstandings.
  
  Celeste Kidd of UC Berkeley points out that people often talk past each other without realising. Clarifying questions like “What do you mean when you say the resident’s ‘not suitable’?” can re-centre the conversation.
  
  Sara TeGrotenhuis of the Gottman Institute says the goal of disagreement isn’t to win; it’s to be seen and heard. In aged care, staff might not always agree on how to handle a resident’s behaviour or medication refusal, but hearing each other out can build trust and cooperation.
  
  Using “and” to hold opposing views
  
  Sometimes both sides have valid concerns. Saying: “I hear that you’re worried about safety, AND I’m concerned about respecting autonomy,” can hold space for different views without conflict.
  
  Practical takeaways for aged care leaders
  
• Model healthy disagreement. Invite questions, encourage respectful dissent, and thank staff for speaking up.
• Create space for conversations. Allocate time for reflection or team debriefs, especially after stressful periods.
• Train teams in communication. Include skills for disagreement, not just conflict resolution, in your learning calendar.
• Focus on shared purpose. Remind everyone, from nurses to lifestyle staff, that the goal is always better care.

In a sector built on compassion, collaboration, and care, learning to disagree well isn’t just a leadership skill; it’s a necessity.

When teams feel safe to question, clarify, and challenge, they don’t just work better; they care better, too.